Supporting someone

What should I say to someone with breast cancer?

In brief

Say something simple and honest, such as “I’m so sorry, I’m here for you”, then listen more than you talk. Let them lead on how much they want to share. Avoid comparing stories, giving medical advice or telling them to stay positive. Offer specific help, like a lift or a meal, rather than “let me know”.

By Kaiser Khan, Breast Cancer Charity · Updated

Quick facts

Free UK helplines to pass on
Breast Cancer Now 0808 800 6000 · Macmillan 0808 808 00 00
Source: NHS: help and support for breast cancer in women
Questions about their treatment
Their clinical nurse specialist is the main contact during and after treatment
Source: NHS: tests and next steps for breast cancer in women
Breast cancer in men
Men can get breast cancer too, so the same kindness applies
Source: NHS: breast cancer in men

Key takeaways

  • You do not need perfect words. Saying something kind is better than saying nothing.
  • Listen, and let them choose what to talk about and how much to share.
  • Leave medical questions to their care team, and skip comparisons and “stay positive”.
  • Offer one specific, practical thing, and keep checking in after treatment ends.

What are good things to say?

Short and sincere works best. You are showing that you care and that you are not going anywhere. Try one of these:

  • “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
  • “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
  • “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather talk about something else today?”
  • “I’m making a lasagne on Thursday. Can I drop one round?”
  • “Thinking of you. No need to reply.”

If they want to talk, listen without trying to fix anything. Silence is fine. So is laughing about something ordinary.

What should I avoid saying?

Most hurtful comments are well meant. These are the ones people with breast cancer tell us they hear most:

  • “I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you have had cancer, their experience is their own.
  • Stories about someone else’s cancer, especially ones that ended badly.
  • “Everything happens for a reason” or “you’ll beat this”. They can sound as if the outcome depends on attitude.
  • “Stay positive.” It can make people feel they are not allowed to be scared, angry or sad.
  • Advice about diets, supplements or alternative treatments. Their care team advises on treatment.
  • Questions about survival odds or prognosis, unless they bring it up.

What can I send by text or message?

Messages are a gentle way to stay in touch because the person can reply when they feel like it. Say so: “No need to reply, just sending love.” You can also send something to make them smile, a photo, a memory or a bit of news, without mentioning cancer at all.

If you are writing a card, see our guide to what to write in a card.

What if I said the wrong thing?

Say sorry simply and move on: “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I’m here for you.” A clumsy word rarely ends a friendship. Disappearing because you are worried about saying the wrong thing hurts more.

How can I keep supporting them over time?

Support often fades after the first few weeks, and again when treatment ends, just when many people feel most alone. Put their appointment dates in your diary, check in after scans and results, and remember difficult anniversaries.

You do not have to be their only support. In the UK, Breast Cancer Now (0808 800 6000) and Macmillan (0808 808 00 00) run free helplines, and their specialist nurse is the person to ask about treatment. Macmillan also has information for family and friends, including support for you.

Sources: NHS: help and support for breast cancer in women; NHS: tests and next steps for breast cancer in women; Macmillan Cancer Support: supporting someone with cancer

Frequently asked questions

Should I mention their breast cancer at all?
Yes, briefly and kindly. Saying nothing can feel like avoidance. A simple “I heard your news and I’m thinking of you” lets them decide whether to talk about it now, later or not at all.
Is it OK to ask about their treatment?
Ask open questions, such as “How are you doing this week?”, and let them choose how much detail to share. Avoid asking about prognosis or survival chances unless they raise it first.
What should I say to a man with breast cancer?
The same things you would say to anyone: that you are sorry, that you care and how you can help. Men can get breast cancer, and some feel isolated because it is less common in men, so do not treat it as a joke or a surprise.

Source: NHS: breast cancer in men

What should I say if their cancer has spread?
Follow their lead on how they describe it, and avoid battle words like “fight” or “beat”. Ask what would help this week, and keep offering ordinary company as well as practical help.
Who can I talk to about how I feel?
Supporting someone is hard. In the UK, the Macmillan Support Line (0808 808 00 00) is open to family and friends as well as people with cancer.

Source: NHS: help and support for breast cancer in women

Sources and references

This page is general information, not medical advice. A GP or doctor can advise on your own situation. Source links do not imply endorsement by the NHS or another organisation. See our editorial policy.